Be warned, there is some adult content and language in the CLOG.

I would recommend that it’s not particularly appropriate for under age 13.

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The Archive

You are on a mission. You want more information about someone. You’ve spoken to many people on your quest, and the one who finally agreed to help you was strangely specific about sharing their information. You didn’t even meet them in person, just spoke to them through the mail and scraps of paper passed along by people you know.

Finally you will find out the true story though.

You have a scrap of paper in your hand. Along a corridor of many similar doors you find the one you’re looking for. You knock, and when no one answers you enter.

There isn’t much in the room. A simple comfortable wooden chair, a desk with a large viewscreen, a lit oil lamp, and some papers on it. You close the door behind you, set down your things and go fuel the screen. Then you dim the lamp and sit in the chair.

As you sit back in your chair and give time for the television set to warm up, you think of how happy you are to have them after years without them.  The EMP bombings took out all modern technology, and you never thought you would miss television so much.  Once the old cathode ray tubes in the huge thing have finished warming up, the image appears and the sound transmits from a mounted speaker.

There is nothing but fuzz for a full minute, sound and image.

In large white letters on the black screen one word appears...


The word is replaced by fifteen seconds of fuzz.

In the bottom right corner the word PLAY appears, blinks three times, and disappears.

The screen goes black.

Entry 0:

Welcome to the Island

The screen flickers to life and a helicopter view zooms towards a sunny tropical island with mountain tops poking out from the distance. The sea around it glitters blue and silver, and there appears to be a slight greenish haze surrounding the whole thing.

The words Improbable Island slowly appear over the shot and then fade away, and opening credits roll underneath the following scenes.

The voice of the announcer begins, it is loud and over the top, rather like a game show host.

"Welcome to the next installment of Those Crazy Rookies.  This week we see fresh recruits as they are just thrown out of the plane unto Improbable Island, the theater of The War on the Improbability Drive and maybe the location of the last working pre-EMP computer."  

The disembodied voice of the TV host continues as the screen slides between clips of very confused people standing around in a verdant jungle, some naked, some wearing ridiculous PJs or frilly panties, armed with sporks and equally ridiculous weapons.  

"We have an hilarious clip of a young lady getting her face eaten by a cute little piggy while trying to defend herself with a wooden leg.  And don't miss this one where a Rookie confuses a Joker for a simple monster.”

(A false sounding laugh track sounds as the scenes the voice describes are shown.)

“You've never laughed until you see someone being turned into a navel."

Then clips are shown of a series of amusing and terrifying creatures battling hilariously equipped soldiers. You put some more wood in the TV furnace as you settle in to watch the archive.

You remember watching this before, and being comforted by the thought that you would probably never get drafted yourself.  After all, these things only happen to other people.

Just before the show actually begins the screen flickers to black.

Then after a moment....

A voice begins to speak over the darkness. It is flat and ominous, and has a hint of  a Southern British Accent. It almost seems to be coming from inside your mind, not the television, as though you are reliving a memory.

"You've been drafted into a war against a machine called the Improbability Drive. It lives somewhere in the jungle, over there. Improbability is leaking out of this bloody thing like radiation, so we've got to blow it up. The whole war is being televised, you've noticed the cameras already, so try not to do anything stupid while the world watches. Your head hurts because the guys who burst into your living room with sticks and a great big sack probably hit you a bit too hard, and you might have landed badly when they tossed you out of the plane. You survived the fall without a parachute because of the Improbability Bubble surrounding the island, which makes the air notably denser about forty feet above sea level. You're naked and unarmed because everything that penetrates the Improbability Bubble gets changed in rather amusing ways, and we didn't want to take that risk. There's blood on my boots because I came across some monsters on the way over here - yes, monsters, stop gawping, you'll get used to them - and you'll either pick up the rest as you go along, or you'll die in a very entertaining fashion. Either way, it'll make for great television."

The words cease and then the first entry begins.

Every time an entry begins a number flashes, however the titles are not shown.

Entry 1:

The CLOG begins

Fuzz fills the screen again for about a minute.

There are a series of beeping and whirring noises. In the top right corner of the screen a little bar appears. It has five little blue slashes contained within a long thin rectangle. Underneath a little word says POWER. The POWER bar is at 5/5.

A flash of black covers the lens and then a blurry face looms large. The view auto-focuses into the face of a sort of human-cat-like robot looking right at you.

Suddenly everything swings around and you’re panning across what looks like a laboratory. It’s very fast and few details are visible. You swing back to look at the robot.

The robot makes a series of satisfied sounding noises and then it appears as though you’re set onto a table.

The view snaps back to black.

Entry 2:

Meet Monkey

The POWER bar is at 5/5.

The screen suddenly shows what looks like a giant blue cats eye with long black eyelashes. The eye blinks, then withdraws suddenly and you can see the full face it belongs to.

It looks like some sort of part-human, part-cat creature. She has elongated cat ears protruding from the sides of her face, and has light fur covering her completely. Her fur is patterned like a tabby cat, however it’s mixed light blue, dark blue and white. Her fur is tied into little longer bundles from her brow ridge up, it gives her an odd sort of ‘wonky-hedgehog’ look. She is wearing what looks like a fishbowl upside down on top of her head, and has a blue felt beret perched on top of that. Around her neck is a black cord with a little blue ice crystal hanging from it.

The view’s edges are slightly marred by something light and fluffy, it looks like the camera is perched on the edge of a bed, and it’s canted slightly to the left. You can’t really see the background very well, it’s out of focus, but it looks light colored. She’s sitting on the ground in front of you.

She speaks, and her voice is a little high and excited sounding. She has the air and aura of an 8 year old girl, although if you had to guess she’s probably close to 30.

“Hello! My name is Monkey, although you probably already know that. I’m currently transmitting to you live from the ICEE clan headquarters.”

She grins and leans towards the camera, then begins to whisper.

“I’m about to go out and finally kill the Improbability Drive! I don’t have much time to waste, but I wanted to share that with you viewers at home. You’ll all be able to say you saw Monkey give a live feed on television right before she saved everyone!”

She leans back and waves.

“I’ll report back as soon as I can, I’ll be taking this camera with me so maybe I’ll get a chance to get some real footage of it!”

A large blue paw comes towards the screen and it goes to black.

Entry 3:

It’s alive...

The POWER bar is at 5/5.

There is fuzz for fifteen seconds.

Then there is a tiny ball of white light.

It grows and grows until you can’t see the POWER symbol anymore.

The screen pulses BRIGHT GREEN.

The green light is so bright you are forced to turn your head away.

When you look again the power bar is back, and the screen fades back to black.

Entry 4:

Deja Vu

The POWER bar is at 5/5.

You see what appears to be the same room and a similar vantage point as before, although now the camera is tilted slightly the other way through the blankets.

Monkey’s face swims into view and the camera auto-focuses on her. She looks different though. Instead of bundles of fur tied together along her brow, she has tiny little white mottled hedgehog spikes, about 3” long. They look sharp but not barbed, and somehow...metallic. They have an odd sheen to them. She isn’t wearing any sort of helmet or hat, although she is still wearing her necklace. She smiles and speaks.

“Hello! My name is Monkey, although you probably already know that. I’m currently transmitting to you live from the ICEE clan headquarters.”

She leans back and waves.

“I’m currently on a mission to destroy the Improbability Drive, although I have a feeling it is going to take awhile to get strong enough to try. Although I’m guessing you know that if you’ve been following from home for awhile.”

She frowns and furrows her brow, like she’s thinking deeply about something. Then she shakes her head and smiles again brightly.

“I’m hoping to introduce you to some of my friends on the island soon, but first I think I’m going to keep you a secret for awhile. I’m not so sure how happy people would be if I pulled you out and started aiming at them.”

She gives the camera a pat, almost as though it were alive, her paw looming large and the screen bouncing around slightly.

“I should go, I just woke up and I’m hungry. I’ll do another one of these soon. I think I’m going to call them my Camera Logs. C-logs. CLOGS!”

She giggles to herself and a large paw reaches towards you.

The screen goes to black.

Entry 5:

Improbably Mobile CLOG unit

The POWER bar is at 5/5.

The screen is dark, but there is sound. You hear rustling and clanking, then silence.

After a minute or two of plain black screen, there is a bit of light. The light gets brighter and you see what looks like bright light coming through a cave entrance. The light gets even brighter and then something auto-adjusts and white balances the screen.

The camera is peering through an opening surrounded by black, looking out into the room from before. You can see a little more of it. The walls appear to be off-white, and covered in ice. They are blank with nothing on them.

The screen pans side to side slowly and awkwardly and then focuses on Monkey.

She is sitting cross-legged on the floor, below you, in profile. The camera appears to be viewing from above her, on the bed again, and this time you can see rumpled blood-red covers in the foreground. She is sitting on a blue rug and has a notepad out on the ground and is scribbling in it in black crayon. She is humming a little tune to herself. Her spikes ripple slightly as she moves, and you can see clearly that they go from her brow down to the base of her tail.

The CLOG watches her for awhile, you are unable to see what she is drawing. The view zooms in on various parts of her face and spikes, moving slowly, catching every detail.

Five minutes later she stretches, and moves to stand up, and the screen tunnels back to black rapidly.